(The illustration above has nothing to do with this blog entry. I just hate posting without having some kind of artwork in it somewhere .)
10 Things you should never do.
1. Never tell anyone that you never really cared for the band U2. (I found this out the hard way.)
2. Same about Oprah.
3. Never confess, with the possible exception to the authorities, that you had accidently killed a Bald Eagle*. If you do make this confession it may lead to nervous laughter from your Daughter and Grand Daughter, and the statement, “You’re gross.” from your wife.
4. If you do confess to killing a Bald eagle by accident and your wife says, “You’re gross”, do not follow that statement by saying, “At least it wasn’t a Panda!”
5. Never eat an entire bag, roll, or box of sugar free candy all at one time. Your family and toilet will thank you.
6. If you’re ever at a zoo where there are 2 adult elephants and one baby elephant on display and you over hear a mother tell her child that the elephants are a mommy, daddy and baby, NEVER butt in and tell them that in fact the father elephants don’t stay with the mommy and babies and the other adult elephant is a female. Just let them live in their false reality of lies.
7. This one is for the older folks. Whenever you need to add the words, “I’m not a racist but…” to something you are about to say I will guarantee that your next words will be racist.
8. Never try to share the movie Shaun of the Dead with your aging father. At the beginning he will not notice the zombies in the background and he will think that you are just showing him an artsy film of a guy walking around.
9. Never intently watch a swollen dead squirrel in the middle of the road. It will eventually be run over by a car, which may lead to its head exploding off with a loud pop. This will leave you laughing and scarred.
10. Lastly, never ask for double butter on your movie theater popcorn. You will never emotionally or physically recover. The smell of any theater lobby still makes me a bit nauseous.
*The eagle thing happen a long time ago, so nothing can be done now, and it wasn’t me.
Tags: Art, badbird, bald eagle, bat, butter, car, elephant, girl, house, illustration, lies, movie, movie theater, night, Oprah, panda, shaun of the dead, squirrel, sugar free candy, U2, zombies, zuill