I have been given, by the heads of various countries, the task of figuring out which is the best bear. You might think that this task is difficult, well it’s not. I already knew which bear I would pick. But, for the sake of the millions of dollars I have gotten in grants and donations I thought I would create a top 4 list of bears, ending with numero uno.
Fourth place goes to a bear I like to call a Freaky-Ass Eye Bear, or more commonly known as the Sun Bear. I have no idea where they even live, but just image coming across one in a forest and seeing those weird eyes. Yuck. He gets points for being un-cuddly (cuddly is just silly), but is fourth because of those Freaky-Ass eyes.
Ah, the Panda. Sex symbol of the bear world. People are obsessed with getting these guys to get-it-on. I saw one at the zoo once. All I saw was a big black and white fuzzy lump pased out in a tree. Probably exhausted from having so much sex.
Second place goes to the grizzly. Very close to being on top except for an annoying fact: when they sleep their nose whistles. I don’t know if it is allergies, or sleep apnea, or what, but it’s fairly constant. In the mid 19th century early travelers in the Rocky Mountains suffered from loss of sleep due to the large concentration of Grizzlies and the constant nose whistling.
Finally, the Best Bear. No it’s not a stupid Polar Bear, it’s a white Spirit Bear. It’s also known as the Kermode Bear, but who would want to be called that when you could be called the SPIRIT BEAR, ahhhhhh….. They live somewhere up in Canada, and because of a freak gene they are white and so magical, ahhhhhh……. They hold a government position as Offical Bear of British Columbia, and regularly host embassy parties.
I think I have earned all that grant money and will be open to speaking engagements on the topic.
http://www.freethebears.org.au/assets/about-sunbear.jpg
that is one ugly bear.
thank you for this vital information on grizzlies. that must have been what i heard this morning. i couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from. i held my breath and listened really hard, but every time i did the noise stopped.
You got a love a bear who snores, or whistles during sleep.
Polar bears are so cool, there’s not such thing as a stupid polar bear and the Kermode bear is all that. Plus hosting ritzy parties at embassies (when secretly all they want to do is kick back)
thanks for the great post and the wonderfulness of a small angry bird.
Crankiness rules.
I want a bear to host my next party. And maul uninvited guest. I mean hug.
Actually, I really just want the first bear on a super soft tee shirt. Make it happen, Etsy!
That was funny…thanks for the chuckle!
hahahahaha! Have you read about the armored bears in Phillip Pullman’s ‘The Golden Compass’? I’d love to see your visual interpretation of those bears!
I would vote for the Spirit Bear too. Though, I disagree with your assessment that being cuddly is stupid.
Ahem, that being cuddly is silly, I mean.
Great post – you are too funny. Love the sketches too!!
I very much admire your sense of style in writing and art. You kinda remind me of annie Lamont, (writing) Yours is one of a VERY few I read. Thank-you for sharing.
And most people would just try to find things out on Wikipedia…..opinion and hyperbole are so much better!
Absolutely great work!
please come enter my contest, er, Apron Celebration Giveaway on my Blog…you might dig it if you won…like I dig yer bears…xo,
calamity k